I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
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I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
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Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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