Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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