Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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