i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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