honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
