Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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