Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
