Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Of course I have a pirate flag
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
