woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
