filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
