what if every blade of grass was a penis?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
