Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just want nice things and good sex
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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