I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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