Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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