I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
