All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
