i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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