I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My dick has a subreddit
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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