She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
