watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
