I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
