Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
