Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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