We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
