he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
