oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
