i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
