Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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