I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
