I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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