so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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