i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
