I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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