Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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