my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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