I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
