feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
