I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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