Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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