Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
