is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Is it because I queefed?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
