I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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