I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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