I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
