just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
