I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
