11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
there is glitter all over my balls
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
