It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
