I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
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you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
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"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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