It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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