Im at strip club and am horny
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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