You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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