I accidentally burped into my bong.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
