i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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