literally had 100 drinks last night.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
