my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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