Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Randomize
