The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
