remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
