I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
