Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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