My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
you never un-have a 4some
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
